Evan Johnston Heralds the Re-Arrival of Übermidget
[Evan Johnston, long-time Übermidget contributor, approaches the stage.]
WARMUPS
Toy boat toy boat toy boat toy boat
Unique New York Unique New York Unique New York
My dog has fleas
Ready!
ÜBERMIDGET LEGAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
Dear Reader,
Federal law requires us to reveal the following:
1) We have made all of your private information public.
2) Last issue’s Free Healthy Fun Recipe for Moms and Kids contained an error which resulted in too much tahini and not enough sumac. Sorry about that shit.
3) We apologize in advance that the Übermidget Limited Edition Picture Double Disc LP featuring music inspired by the Übermidget Motion Picture is highly flammable and is unsafe to play at the following speeds:
33
48
78
29
4
Also, mind the gatefold—the edges are extremely sharp and can remove the face of a full-grown child.
4) Many thanks to everyone who participated in the Übermidget Adopt-an-Eel program. We are no longer sending out eels for adoption because so many of them have died in the mail.
If you received a kitten instead of an eel, please attach a picture of an eel to the kitten, stuff it in an envelope and send it to our offices in the greater metropolitan area.
5) Follow us on Twitter.
TATTOOS WHICH SYMBOLIZE THE RETURN OF THE ÜBERMIDGET WITH EXPLANATIONS OF THEIR ICONOGRAPHY
Many readers have asked if there is a tattoo that they could get to symbolize the triumphant return of the Übermidget.
They have three options.
1) Anthropomorphic Ümlaut Riding a Snail on Fire Against a Starry Sky
The snail is a symbol of rebirth and french cuisine; the fire is our rage; ümlauts are symbols of royalty.
2) Giant Whale in Thimble in a Teacup in the HOV Lane (Birds-Eye View) on a Sunshine-y Day, Reading the Newspaper
A tiny whale would probably win a fight against a squirrel, under the right conditions.
3) Moose Skeleton Wearing Ray-Bans, Texting While Waiting at the Concessions Stand in a Multiplex, Staffed with Tired-Looking Puffins
Some people get freaked out when the previews are starting and the multiplex is staffed with tired puffins who don’t remember your order the first three times you ask. Not Moose Skeleton. He’s taking it easy, texting a buddy that the new issue of the ‘Midge is out.
[Evan Johnston is an internationally respected author whose blog, Never Question My Methods, is regarded as an indispensable reference source on corn futures and television programs of interest to the Quaker community. He is also an avid Twitterer, whose tweets on string theory and minimally invasive endoscopic orthopedics have earned him the coveted Warbler Prize.
Long presumed a casualty of the Catastrophic Christmas Calamity of 2005—during which an errant shipment of highly reactive candy canes was accidentally detonated, leveling several major U.S. cities along the Eastern seaboard—Evan has re-emerged as an Internet celebrity in his own right, miraculously unscathed by that festive tragedy.]
