Rescued from Obscurity: Uncle Thrifty’s Money-Saving Hints!
(Ever eager to help the savvy consumer save a buck or two, Uncle Thrifty debuted long before Übermidget even properly existed as its own entity. Here are some dollar-salvaging tips from the archives, circa 1997…and all the more relevant today during these harrowing economic times!)
This Sucks!
You can use licorice to save money on straws!
Here’s how:
1.) Bite off tips of both ends to fashion a hollow tube from licorice stick.
2.) Suck liquid through licorice.
3.) Consume licorice when finished beverage.
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Chew on This!
Store-bought chewing gum can be awfully expensive. Save money by melting down old candles and chewing on the softened wax instead.
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Section 8
Build a new home out of papier-mache, using old Saran wrap for windows.
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Homemade Dairy!
Don’t throw that old milk away—you can make your own cottage cheese! Let milk sit around until it curdles. Then sprinkle with salt to taste.
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How Dry I Am!
Save dryer-screen lint for art projects.
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Sparkling, Pure
Recycle your bathwater! You can use it to make lemonade.
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Gourmet Joe for Pennies!
Starbucks doesn’t want you to know that topsoil makes an excellent substitute for espresso. If at first you find the taste unpleasant, habituate yourself by trying a 50/50 ratio of espresso to topsoil. Then work your way up to 3/4 dirt to 1/4 espresso, and so on. It should taste fresh—after all, it was just ground!
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Punch Drunk!
Stop spending your hard-earned money to make the liquor companies rich! Simulate the effects of drunkenness by spinning around real fast until you fall down. Then go throw up.
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Food for Thought
You’ve probably heard stories of old retired people eating cat food to pinch pennies. Where do these people get that kind of money?! If you’re trying to skimp on cash, at least do it right—switch to hamster pellets instead.
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Come Fly with Me
Most forms of entertainment are far too expensive. For a wild and inexpensive time, build little airplanes out of balsa wood and styrofoam and fly them around. Become frustrated when the little planes break after two or three “flights.”
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Crummy
When you sweep up your kitchen floor, save all those stray crumbs and bits of food in a Ziplock baggy. They may come in handy for making a hodge-podge.
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Anything Goes
Running short on fixin’s for that sandwich? You can beef it up with leftover household materials. Try a little dish detergent in place of mayonnaise. Shreds of old dish rags make an excellent alternative to lettuce, and provide twice the fiber (that’s “roughage” to you old-timers). Turpentine gives a kick that your tired old mustard can’t come close to. Be creative—remember, all’s fair when it comes to saving a buck!
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Get the Lead Out
Hoping to make a buck on the ever-present health trends, cereal manufacturers charge up the wazoo for their “high-fiber” concoctions. Here’s a little secret: Pencil shavings taste just as good and cost a fraction as much!
