Mini-Reviews of Selected Films Now Showing in Theaters or Available on DVD
Shutter Island: “Well, it’s 1954 for some reason. Anyway, here are some CGI clouds. I’m Martin Scorsese, and this is the latest thing I just sort of threw together over the course of a few weekends. You know, I never noticed it before, but Ben Kingsley is one bald son-of-a-bitch. Huh. Wait, how can I get Robert DeNiro in this movie? Technically, I can’t, but I can put in a guy who looks a lot like him circa Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Very clever of me if I do say so myself. By the way, you know what’s not real? Reality.”
Avatar: “Oh, I’m blue and I am a universal stand-in for all oppressed dragon-riding peoples everywhere. Now a big tree fell over in 3-D. Cool, I just made 42 billion dollars. Bully for the Earthlings.”
Alice in Wonderland: Oh, I haven’t seen this movie but Johnny Depp looks like a gay clown. But that may be redundant. No offense to all the gay clowns out there.
Crazy Heart: “Oh, I’m drunk. Christ, now I’m REALLY drunk. Shooooweeeee, boy howdy, I am such a fuck-up. Guess I should straighten up and fly right. Wait, Maggie Gyllenhaal is still mad at me. Well, she’s not even going to be in the next Batman movie, so no big loss. I don’t need that broad anyway, since I’m a big famous country singer again and now I can afford to stay at better motels. Well, guess I’ll have to shave for my role in the new Tron movie.”
Greenberg: Wait, did I just spend my hard-earned cash on a Ben Stiller flick? No, someone gave me some movie passes for free. Phew! That’s a mercy. Wouldn’t want to break that streak.
Moon: “Oh, I’m me. Or am I? Wait…what? Guess I’ll drive the lunar buggy around for a bit. Look! The Monolith. Whoops, wrong movie. Now I’m back inside. Oh, here’s a robot.”
Ma and Pa Kettle: “Oh, rural people are such hayseeds. Now here are fifteen kids being called to supper to great comic effect. Ha ha. Overpopulation is a joke to us.”
Inglorious Basterds: Oh, here are some Nazis referencing 1940s pop culture while Brad Pitt talks like an idiot.
The Holy Mountain: “Here’s junkie Jesus pooping into a glass container. Oh, that’s too ‘gross’ for you? What are you, some kind of pussy? You’ll never reach enlightenment that way. Now get off your ass and blow up some frogs and do a lot of other kinky shit, and don’t forget to study an obscure tarot deck while spinning around on a big lazy susan. OK, I’m bored of directing this now. Time to write some comic books or something.”
