Übermidget Lite

The REAL Übermidget

I am, as the esteemed Ed Anger might have it, madder than a pantsless monkey.

Someone has appropriated the name Übermidget for their line of anime-inspired “art.”

As you can imagine, I find this vexing, having coined the term Übermidget as far back as 1999. That’s last century, if you’re keeping track.

Now, you might say, “Todd, isn’t it possible that someone else thought of the word ‘Übermidget’ independently?” No. Nope, it is just not possible. The word originated online with me. A simple search engine query, which doubtless would have turned up this very site, would have sufficed to clear up any doubts that any other would-be Übermidgets might have.

For many years, this was the sole Übermidget on the Web. You couldn’t do a search for the word without turning up this site and this site only. Granted, the site was dormant for a number of years, but it was always online in the interim. Somewhere between then and now, it came to pass that a Google search for “Ubermidget” began to turn up countless hits for that other Übermidget.

Let it be known that this is the only Übermidget that need concern you. You want quality, you come here. You want something else…you go to those other places. Hey, go tittup around dressed as an elf for all I care.

Remember, this Übermidget is, and always has been, a humor site that is free of ads and any attempts at commerce. I’m not trying to sell you plush dolls of Nintendo characters. Unlike some other people I could name.

This is the REAL Übermidget. Wasting your precious time since 1999.

1999, people.

Site Finally Re-Designed, Up, Running

Not much content yet. Click around, see what you can find. There’ll be more soon. Trust me.

http://www.ubermidget.com/index.php

Evan Johnston Heralds the Re-Arrival of Übermidget

[Evan Johnston, long-time Übermidget contributor, approaches the stage.]

WARMUPS

Toy boat toy boat toy boat toy boat
Unique New York Unique New York Unique New York
My dog has fleas

Ready!

ÜBERMIDGET LEGAL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Dear Reader,

Federal law requires us to reveal the following:

1) We have made all of your private information public.

2) Last issue’s Free Healthy Fun Recipe for Moms and Kids contained an error which resulted in too much tahini and not enough sumac. Sorry about that shit.

3) We apologize in advance that the Übermidget Limited Edition Picture Double Disc LP featuring music inspired by the Übermidget Motion Picture is highly flammable and is unsafe to play at the following speeds:

33
48
78
29
4

Also, mind the gatefold—the edges are extremely sharp and can remove the face of a full-grown child.
 
4) Many thanks to everyone who participated in the Übermidget Adopt-an-Eel program. We are no longer sending out eels for adoption because so many of them have died in the mail.

If you received a kitten instead of an eel, please attach a picture of an eel to the kitten, stuff it in an envelope and send it to our offices in the greater metropolitan area.

5) Follow us on Twitter.

TATTOOS WHICH SYMBOLIZE THE RETURN OF THE ÜBERMIDGET WITH EXPLANATIONS OF THEIR ICONOGRAPHY

Many readers have asked if there is a tattoo that they could get to symbolize the triumphant return of the Übermidget.

They have three options.

1) Anthropomorphic Ümlaut Riding a Snail on Fire Against a Starry Sky

The snail is a symbol of rebirth and french cuisine; the fire is our rage; ümlauts are symbols of royalty.

2) Giant Whale in Thimble in a Teacup in the HOV Lane (Birds-Eye View) on a Sunshine-y Day, Reading the Newspaper

A tiny whale would probably win a fight against a squirrel, under the right conditions.

3) Moose Skeleton Wearing Ray-Bans, Texting While Waiting at the Concessions Stand in a Multiplex, Staffed with Tired-Looking Puffins

Some people get freaked out when the previews are starting and the multiplex is staffed with tired puffins who don’t remember your order the first three times you ask. Not Moose Skeleton. He’s taking it easy, texting a buddy that the new issue of the ‘Midge is out.

[Evan Johnston is an internationally respected author whose blog, Never Question My Methods, is regarded as an indispensable reference source on corn futures and television programs of interest to the Quaker community. He is also an avid Twitterer, whose tweets on string theory and minimally invasive endoscopic orthopedics have earned him the coveted Warbler Prize.

Long presumed a casualty of the Catastrophic Christmas Calamity of 2005—during which an errant shipment of highly reactive candy canes was accidentally detonated, leveling several major U.S. cities along the Eastern seaboard—Evan has re-emerged as an Internet celebrity in his own right, miraculously unscathed by that festive tragedy.]

Rescued from Obscurity: Uncle Thrifty’s Money-Saving Hints!

(Ever eager to help the savvy consumer save a buck or two, Uncle Thrifty debuted long before Übermidget even properly existed as its own entity. Here are some dollar-salvaging tips from the archives, circa 1997…and all the more relevant today during these harrowing economic times!)

This Sucks!

You can use licorice to save money on straws!

Here’s how:

1.) Bite off tips of both ends to fashion a hollow tube from licorice stick.
2.) Suck liquid through licorice.
3.) Consume licorice when finished beverage.

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Chew on This!

Store-bought chewing gum can be awfully expensive. Save money by melting down old candles and chewing on the softened wax instead.

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Section 8

Build a new home out of papier-mache, using old Saran wrap for windows.

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Homemade Dairy!

Don’t throw that old milk away—you can make your own cottage cheese! Let milk sit around until it curdles. Then sprinkle with salt to taste.

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How Dry I Am!

Save dryer-screen lint for art projects.

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Sparkling, Pure

Recycle your bathwater! You can use it to make lemonade.

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Gourmet Joe for Pennies!

Starbucks doesn’t want you to know that topsoil makes an excellent substitute for espresso. If at first you find the taste unpleasant, habituate yourself by trying a 50/50 ratio of espresso to topsoil. Then work your way up to 3/4 dirt to 1/4 espresso, and so on. It should taste fresh—after all, it was just ground!

_______

Punch Drunk!

Stop spending your hard-earned money to make the liquor companies rich! Simulate the effects of drunkenness by spinning around real fast until you fall down. Then go throw up.

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Food for Thought

You’ve probably heard stories of old retired people eating cat food to pinch pennies. Where do these people get that kind of money?! If you’re trying to skimp on cash, at least do it right—switch to hamster pellets instead.

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Come Fly with Me

Most forms of entertainment are far too expensive. For a wild and inexpensive time, build little airplanes out of balsa wood and styrofoam and fly them around. Become frustrated when the little planes break after two or three “flights.”

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Crummy

When you sweep up your kitchen floor, save all those stray crumbs and bits of food in a Ziplock baggy. They may come in handy for making a hodge-podge.

_______

Anything Goes

Running short on fixin’s for that sandwich? You can beef it up with leftover household materials. Try a little dish detergent in place of mayonnaise. Shreds of old dish rags make an excellent alternative to lettuce, and provide twice the fiber (that’s “roughage” to you old-timers). Turpentine gives a kick that your tired old mustard can’t come close to. Be creative—remember, all’s fair when it comes to saving a buck!

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Get the Lead Out

Hoping to make a buck on the ever-present health trends, cereal manufacturers charge up the wazoo for their “high-fiber” concoctions. Here’s a little secret: Pencil shavings taste just as good and cost a fraction as much!

Tech-Lad Tuesday

[Got computer woes? Tech Lad is your go-to guy. He knows all, sees all, troubleshoots all. Nothing stumps him! Shoot him your queries and he’ll fix things in a jiffy!]

Dear Tech-Lad,

So I have this combo printer-scanner thing. Pretty sweet. I was trying to scan this submarine sandwich I had made and some of the mayonnaise leaked under the platen glass. You should have seen it, though, it was the best-looking hoagie. Anyways, now the shit is fucked. How can I clean it out?

Signed,
Po’ Boy

Yes. I got the mayo problem myself when I put my grinder in there and scanned it back and forth. Heh, heh.

Dear Tech-Lad,

I am a Luddite, but only against Macs. I hate the way their owners act all “hip” and smarmy, like they’re so much better than everyone else. Is it wrong to feel this way? I am sick of these society types telling me what to do.

Signed,
Apple Smasher

Yes.  Have you heard about the PC-iory of Scion? They are the keepers of the true DOS OS line and have been keeping it protected from the hands of Mac followers for decades. You should join their cause…the DOS OS line LIVES ‘til this day!!!

Dear Tech-Lad,

I bought this cool-ass price gun, thinking it would tell me how much everything costs. But most things don’t scan well. I’m surprised that there still isn’t a universal pricing system in this day and age. When can we expect this technology to become standardized? I’m dying to find out my brother-in-law’s net worth.

Signed,
Barcode Barbarella

Yes. Try scanning this:   || ||||||| || |||| ||| ||| ||||||||||||| |||| |||| ||||. You freak!

Mini-Reviews of Selected Films Now Showing in Theaters or Available on DVD

Shutter Island: “Well, it’s 1954 for some reason. Anyway, here are some CGI clouds. I’m Martin Scorsese, and this is the latest thing I just sort of threw together over the course of a few weekends. You know, I never noticed it before, but Ben Kingsley is one bald son-of-a-bitch. Huh. Wait, how can I get Robert DeNiro in this movie? Technically, I can’t, but I can put in a guy who looks a lot like him circa Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Very clever of me if I do say so myself. By the way, you know what’s not real? Reality.”

Avatar: “Oh, I’m blue and I am a universal stand-in for all oppressed dragon-riding peoples everywhere. Now a big tree fell over in 3-D. Cool, I just made 42 billion dollars. Bully for the Earthlings.”

Alice in Wonderland: Oh, I haven’t seen this movie but Johnny Depp looks like a gay clown. But that may be redundant. No offense to all the gay clowns out there.

Crazy Heart: “Oh, I’m drunk. Christ, now I’m REALLY drunk. Shooooweeeee, boy howdy, I am such a fuck-up. Guess I should straighten up and fly right. Wait, Maggie Gyllenhaal is still mad at me. Well, she’s not even going to be in the next Batman movie, so no big loss. I don’t need that broad anyway, since I’m a big famous country singer again and now I can afford to stay at better motels. Well, guess I’ll have to shave for my role in the new Tron movie.”

Greenberg: Wait, did I just spend my hard-earned cash on a Ben Stiller flick? No, someone gave me some movie passes for free. Phew! That’s a mercy. Wouldn’t want to break that streak.

Moon: “Oh, I’m me. Or am I? Wait…what? Guess I’ll drive the lunar buggy around for a bit. Look! The Monolith. Whoops, wrong movie. Now I’m back inside. Oh, here’s a robot.”

Ma and Pa Kettle: “Oh, rural people are such hayseeds. Now here are fifteen kids being called to supper to great comic effect. Ha ha. Overpopulation is a joke to us.”

Inglorious Basterds: Oh, here are some Nazis referencing 1940s pop culture while Brad Pitt talks like an idiot.

The Holy Mountain: “Here’s junkie Jesus pooping into a glass container. Oh, that’s too ‘gross’ for you? What are you, some kind of pussy? You’ll never reach enlightenment that way. Now get off your ass and blow up some frogs and do a lot of other kinky shit, and don’t forget to study an obscure tarot deck while spinning around on a big lazy susan. OK, I’m bored of directing this now. Time to write some comic books or something.”

Awwwwww Yeah!

After five long, uneventful, and frankly uninspired years, Übermidget is back. Sort of. Well, eventually, anyway.